October updates

October is coming to an end and very quickly, soon, it will be November and December and another year will be gone. This last quarter of 2013 will fly by very swiftly I foresee with all the things that we have to attend to, the activities and all.

C's year-end school exam just ended. As usual, she was cool about it. No revision, despite my frequent prodding. She continued with life as usual, and even made some bread and jelly by herself. She is teaching me to see things in a different way.

During my time, as I was growing up, my generation was taught that we need to study very hard, get into university, get a good job and you're set for life. Sounds like a straight rigid path to follow, knowing what I know now. I wish I had strayed from the path once in a while to find some lovely garden in the midst of the jungle and played there for awhile figuratively speaking. Maybe I could have discovered my true passion that way.

The weekend before her exams, we spent one day exploring Batu Caves and the adjacent Dark Cave. We climbed up the 272 steps of Batu Caves so that she could see what a Hindu temple in a cave is like, the various gods the Hindus worship. On the way down, we visited the Dark Cave, a conservation site. We took the Educational Tour and learned many things about how caves form, the various limestone structures and characteristics of a cave, the unique ecosystem of a cave, and some endangered species that can be found there -- much more interesting than staying at home and memorising the formula of the area of a triangle, I must admit.

 The world's tallest golden statue of Murugan at the base of the stairs.

 

The entrance of Batu Cave at the top of the stairs.

We didn't spot this spider but we spotted cave snails, other spiders, bats and cockroaches.

See here to learn more about Dark Cave.

So here's my take thus far on education, parenting and life. Note that it's MY take and I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I am writing this down to remind myself because I came from a different generation who sees things differently:

1. Every child is unique, so it's useless comparing mine with others.
2. Childhood is to be enjoyed, like I did mine.
3. Children (and adults) learn better and more when it's fun and interesting.
4.The bottomline is that the child must be happy wherever he is and in whatever he is doing.
5. It is important to do well in school (and I don't mean academically only), but it is not the most important thing in a child's life.
6. Exams are over-rated. It's just a way to measure how much one has learned and understood.
7. It is ok to fail an exam, as long as the child tried and did his best.
8. It is good to go to university but it is not a must.
9. Good character and values are more valuable than a string of A's, a high-salaried job or social status.
10. Life is not a race. It is not necessary for a child to read independently at two years of age, or enter university at 12.
11. Not knowing why one is learning, being forced to learn, rote learning, not relating and applying what one has learnt with real life is pointless.
12. It is good to expose a child to many experiences and activities, but only pursue the activity further if the child is interested. This does not mean the child can be allowed to give up an activity he was initially interested in immediately when the going gets too tough.
13. Thinking independently, speaking confidently, arguing rationally, problem solving creatively are good skills to develop.
14. Children grow up very quickly. There are some things I can only do with them when they are young, like teach them personal discipline, self-control, responsibility, love for family and God, i.e. there are many tricks which I can't teach to old dogs.

That's all I can think of for now.

This week, we will be celebrating C's 11th birthday. She is busy at school rehearsing a dance for their year-end concert, she has an outdoor nature camp to attend during the Deepavali long weekend, a drum exam to take the very next day after camp, a school field trip to a batik workshop, and finally, the year-end concert before school closes in mid-November.

I hope I will be able to quote Robert Frost later in life:

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
~ Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

Relief

The school mid-year exam's over and it's me who feels relieved. C, as usual, was unfazed. 'Exam' is not a scary word for her. Don't get me wrong, she's not a genius academically. She just does what is required i.e. minimum work. I've advised and suggested that she does revision at least on a weekly basis on what she has learned during the week so that when it comes to exam time, she doesn't have to cram. The suggestion goes in one ear and out the other. Two weeks before exams, I tell her she should start revising. That also fell on deaf ears. And even one day before the exam, she does nothing much, maybe flip through the pages of the textbook and reluctantly work on some exercises in a workbook, for all of half an hour maybe. Life is as usual for her during exam week -- tv, story books, sketching, attend music classes....

I'm not that kind of person. I'm just the opposite. When I was a student, I studied hard. I planned my study timetable. I'd sit quietly at my desk and concentrate hard, reading, doing past year questions, etc. I could hear my heart beating fast as I sat in the exam hall. So with a child like this, imagine my difficulty in accepting her 'style'. I get stressed when I see her enjoying a story book instead of a textbook during exam week. I get angry when I ask her what exam she has the next day and she answers, "don't know". So, I am simply relieved now that the exam's over.

Was I supposed to drag her to a table and chair, pull out all her books, pile them up nicely and sit down with her and make her revise? Maybe that would be what some parents and their kids do. Some parents (kudos to them) take efforts to teach their kids how to do revision, how to draw up a revision schedule, how to do extra workbook exercises, question them verbally to check if they remembered/memorised the facts correctly. Later, the kids will learn to study independently on their own, and most likely score A's left, right and centre.

If I recall correctly, I tried doing a bit of that before when she was younger. It didn't bring about much change in her attitude towards studies or her exam results. So what did I do or didn't do that produces a result different from other parents and kids? I don't think that's a question I should even ask. I have come to learn that with C, forcing her to do something does not work. Persuasion? Reason? Threats? They don't work either. She will do only what she is interested in, she is not afraid of failure, she is not 'kiasu', she doesn't bother comparing herself with others.

There are pros and cons to these traits. When she is interested in something, nothing will stop her from pursuing it. That's when I see her ability to focus surface, and she will learn and progress in that area of interest. When she does not like something, she will just not like it, no matter how much you persuade or reason with her to get her to like it. Unfortunately, life sometimes cannot be lived that way because there'll be times when there are things which you don't like to do but you still have to do.

Ugh, it's just so hard to find a balance and be a nurturing parent.... I have to keep reminding myself that academic excellence is not everything. Specialised skills can get you to the top too. It is better to have a well-rounded child with proper emotional and social development than have an academic genius who doesn't know how to relate to people and the real world. They need to learn things like consideration, responsibility, independence, self-confidence, commitment, decision making, dealing with people of different ages, cultures, personalities, other life skills......so much to learn and be exposed to beyond 'school' stuff.

Bite-size bit:

Career advice from an 11-year-old.

 Dad said he is taking on a new portfolio at work.
Kid: Are you getting a raise?
Dad: No.
Kid: You should ask for a raise! Tell them "If u want me, you have to give me more money." It's like 'bribery'.

Happiness and Peace

This post was triggered by C who gave a 'bottomline' that she just wants to live a "happy and peaceful life" in a conversation I had with her yesterday. She was annoyed and disturbed by what took place in class the day before.

A few kids, including her, were reprimanded by their Math teacher for being careless and making mistakes in their work. To add fuel to the fire, a classmate who constantly loves to compare, asked her "How come  you are smarter than me, but you make so many mistakes?" C is often riled by this girl who regularly bugs her to compare how they both fared in school. C said to me, "I don't care about grades. I just want a happy and peaceful life."

I agree. While it's important to get good grades to the best of our abilities, we need to have a balanced view about how we go about life.  No point being successful academically, have a great job, lots of money, etc, and not be happy and at peace.

There are many, many quotes out there about happiness -- some I can recall off the top of my head are 'state of mind', and 'a choice'. Does it take effort to be happy? I think it does, especially if you're not happy and want to be happy. After some practice, you get the hang of it, and learn not to sweat the small stuff. You look for silver linings, you become more positive, you count your blessings more, you look outward more than inward, you give more than you take,.....

Here's something I found:

75 Happiness Quotes to Live By

Later in the evening, she came up with another one about 'peace'.

Me: I have a bad headache.
Her: Okay, do this. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. Now, count to ten. How is it?
Me: Still have it.
Her: You need to be at peace! Then it'll go away.

The 'guru' of the ACE household has spoken ;-)

p.s. I'm not sure if C is 'smarter' than her classmate as claimed. In that particular context, C made more mistakes simply because she did her homework on her own. She tends to be careless. I don't check her work. I only help her if it's something she really doesn't know how to do. She's not caught up with wanting to ensure her work is perfect. She just wants to get it done (at the last minute usually) so that she can move on with more interesting stuff life has to offer. As for her classmate, her parents sit down with her and guide her through her homework, so I'm sure her work is more 'perfect' with less mistakes.

'Slow and steady' -- not my motto

When I was reading the book I mentioned in the preceding post below, I gained some insight as to why I always get so worked up with C being what I view as not having any sense of urgency, lacking time consciousness, doing things at the very last minute. Her learning style profile is the opposite of mine.

This afternoon, she has a birthday party to attend. We told her she has to complete all her homework before going. After breakfast, I reminded her about her homework. And guess what? Miss Slow-and-Steady did not jump into her homework like her pants was on fire. Instead, it took what to me was ages before she sat down and opened her books. After that was done, it took her some time to pick up her pencil and work on her math calculations. Before she could even finish one question, she got off her chair and was heading upstairs.

Me: What are you doing?
Her: Going to look for a calculator. (obviously, trying to find a shortcut to complete her homework faster).
Me: Why do you need a calculator? You're not supposed to use a calculator! blah, blah, blah, blah.... (my short fuse at work again).

Dad comes into the picture: You cannot use a calculator.
Her: Then why XXX (classmate) can use?
Dad continues to give reasons, including: You need to know how to calculate on your own first, learn to work out how the numbers should be calculated, then you can get the right answer, even if you use a calculator. What if all the calculators in the world disappear?
Her: Get a genius, like Einstein, to make new ones.
Dad: He's dead.
Her: Thomas Edison?
Dad: Dead.
Her: Isaac Newton?
Dad: Dead.
Her: Their descendants?
Dad: If they are geniuses, why aren't they well known?
Her: Maybe they are publicity shy.
Dad: Okay, you've wasted enough time, just start your homework.

I'd have yelled "shut up, and just do your work!" which I admit I have done before, but that's not how parenting works these days. Back in our elders' days, it's common to do that.  We'd go by the saying "children should be seen and not heard" and tell them not to question and to simply do as they are told "because I'm your mother and I said so". 

It does feel like parenting was easier back then. Or were children more compliant then? As parents, we continue to learn on the job. Trial and error, different strokes for different folks, one size does not fit all, and sometimes, slow and steady does win the race like the Aesop fable.

Post-exam ramblings

It's somewhat a relief for ME that C's year-end exam at school is over and done with. It's hard to put aside that 'exam fever' stress that people my generation are so accustomed to -- exam time means studying hard, revising, burning the midnight oil as they say. And marks and grades are the ultimate measure of how clever you are and your potential to be successful in life i.e to be a doctor, lawyer or accountant! Also, having good grades meant better chances of getting a university degree which translates into getting a good job and a good life, and living in heaven on earth, if I may exaggerate. That's the idea that had been pounded into many of our heads from the time we started school and for the next 17-18 years of our academic life assuming we pursued tertiary education.

Many of us, including the generation before mine, i.e. my parents' generation, still continue to hold fast to that notion, failing to realise that times and things have changed. We can't blame ourselves as we grew up in those times when becoming a doctor, lawyer or accountant was indeed proven to be better than being a musician, designer or chef. I personally need to remind myself to shake that idea off  as I grew up that way and even more so because I had been a diligent student all my academic life and got quite good grades most of the time. A university degree and a good job in a multinational company with company car and chauffeur, club membership, travel benefits etc is no longer the only way to success in life in current times.  That's my personal opinion, anyway, in case I tread on some sensitive toes...

That brings me to the point about my struggle with leaving things be with C who is the total opposite of me -- nonchalant about good grades, pursuing only what interests her, not bowing to pressure or competition (or threats!) in almost everything in her corner of the world. It's a challenge, as a parent, to find the balance and draw the delicate line between nurturing independence, teaching responsibility for consequences of decisions/actions taken, allowing freedom to explore, and instilling perseverance for things you don't like but need to do (in her case, it's learning/mastering the national language), focus and discipline, to name a few.

My friends and I frequently wonder aloud now and again why our kids are the way they are, while we, during our time, did our homework and studied without anyone reminding or nagging us. I guess the answer lies again in how different life is nowadays. There are much more stuff that capture our attention and distract us. There are more opportunities and choices in life. Our kids have it better as they are more privileged, because we had worked hard to be able to give them a better life. The challenge is to not allow them to feel entitled, to help them see there are others less privileged than them, to mould their hearts to be down-to-earh, compassionate and godly, to know their purpose in life. A fulfilled life is not all about money and material things, although we tend to tell our kids, "You'd better study hard if you want to have a nice house and car next time, or you'll end up becoming like that homeless man." What should we actually say instead of this?



E's birthday

It's E's birthday today. Last night C made this birthday card for him. She traced the picture from one of her Calvin & Hobbes comic books and transferred it onto the paper. She then added in the finer details and colour and asked me to help write the greeting in cursive. Then she wrote the message in Calvin's speech bubble:

"Sometimes, it's just good to kick back and remember what (has) happened in your life so far."

Sometimes, I wonder what goes on in that mind of hers.

She signed it off with her own cursive "love, (her signature)" and asked me to sign it too, and she later added in the angelic heart picture. She asked me if her signature is nice so I said 'yes'. She said her friend told her it's ugly so I taught her the sayings "Each to his own" and "One man's meat is another man's poison".

Happy Birthday, Eugene/Daddy!

Fast vs. slow

It's human nature that when we are interested in something we will work on it quickly, with focus and eagerness. When it's something we loathe and dread, we'll tarry and procrastinate. Likewise with C, when she's interested in or excited about something, when something is her own idea, she'll complete it very quickly. When it's something she doesn't like, or something that requires effort, she'll procrastinate and leave it till the very last minute, or she'll drag herself through it and take a really long time to complete it.

This morning, she wanted to leave a note for E while he was still asleep. She grabbed a sheet of paper and started writing and drawing. Within one minute, this is what she came up with.

I just wish when it comes to eating, taking a shower, getting ready for bed/school, doing her homework, studying or practising her piano/drums, she could do it with such ease and haste....

Karaoke weekend

This week has just gone by so quickly and it's Saturday again tomorrow! Last weekend felt like it was just yesterday. Last Saturday, ACE made a spontaneous decision to go to a karaoke for a few hours of fun. E was the person in charge of keying in the song selection while C was the main entertainer. We had a microphone each and sang the songs we were familiar with -- oldies from the 60s, 70s and 80s (40s too), and current pop favourites which were mostly those that C liked and were familiar with. They included songs by Justin Bieber (there's no escaping!), Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Christina Perri (had to ask C how to spell this name) and not missing the famous Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO. We also couldn't resist trying to do the shuffle in the room while singing that song!

Two days ago, in the course of a conversation about our karaoke activity, C stated that she doesn't want her friends to know that we, her parents, sang those current hits with her. When asked why, she said we're too 'old' like 'aunty' and 'uncle', and it would spoil her reputation.....Geez, talk about the typical teenage syndrome of feeling embarrassed by being associated with the parents! She's not even in her teens yet, let alone celebrated her 10th birthday, and already behaving like a 15-year-old....

Our pre-teen in action

(picture quality poor due to dim lighting and use of camera phone with limited capabilities)



Time passes so quickly and we can't stop aging that's for sure. It felt like only yesterday --"Only yesterday, when I was sad and I was lonely ...." Remember this Carpenters hit? Incidentally, this 'aunty' did sing this song at the karaoke :) -- that C was still a tiny bundle the length of my forearm....



And now, she's an American Idol wannabe, singing and dancing, and telling me just a few hours ago about Girls Generation (and I said "What? Who's that?").

Hmm, the teenage years are fast approaching, and I hope it will not last "a thousand years" (cue Christina Perri).



In the meantime, I guess we should just KEEP ROCKIN' (and rollin'! -- can't deny my 60s roots :D) with whatever comes our way, and be grateful for each new day.

School break this week

Local schools here are having their one-week break this week. Since it's only for one week, I didn't manage to plan anything interesting to keep C occupied. She still has her extra activities i.e. piano and drum lessons and on Monday, she attended a workshop at school. In between, she's done some homework from school, practised her music, read and watched TV.

Recently, she started writing a 'novel' of her own based on one of her current favourite book series. She has consistently been writing everyday since last week, and sometimes for quite a few hours straight, in a notepad. She usually has rather messy handwriting and the level of 'messiness' correlates with how much interest she has in what she is doing. When it's a subject that she dislikes, her handwriting is usually very large, scrawly and all over the place, as what the Malay idiom refers to as 'cakar ayam' (chicken scratchings). In this 'book' she's writing, her handwriting is small and very neat, with the titles for each chapter written in a stylised format using coloured ink.  She's even formatted the story with a cast list of the characters, complete with names and descriptions, prologue, and she's now at Chapter Five. And of course, no one is allowed to read what she has written so far!

Best-selling author in the making, in her favourite sitting position!

It would be great if she could channel such similar focus and interest to some other work that she is required to pay more attention to! But I guess that's asking a bit too much. It is just our nature to prefer doing something we like and enjoy and give more attention to it compared to something we don't like.

Sex education

I'm getting tired reading the news about our politicians making claims that certain educational books are morally degrading when things they do are far, far worse (and what they have done over the years and are still doing is too long a list and too sickening to write about here). The latest one yesterday is about a sex education book for children that's been around over 30 years. Read about it here. With such issues, they can take such swift action and immediately today, they have banned the booke "Where Did I Come From" by Peter Mayle, as reported here.

I had just thought of getting my hands on this book because C has become more aware of such matters with her lofty ideas in wanting to breed cats and dogs (she read up on how cats mate and watched videos too....), and last week, in learning about puberty at school.

When she was five or six, we got here a book about the human body, in which among other useful knowledge, described in brief about a sperm having to meet an egg in order to form a baby and how the foetus develops in the mother's womb. How the sperm gets to meet the egg is however not described in the book. I did try to 'describe' it to her once and when I asked her if she understood, all she said was "I think so".... and I didn't know how to go on from there. So I think getting a proper book for her would help. That's how I learned anyway during my early teens. Older generation parents were not so open with communicating such topics, and my science teacher in school even omitted teaching the last chapter in our Form 1 textbook which was about reproduction, and told us to read it ourselves during the year-end school holidays. Till today I wonder why she left it out since I feel there's nothing to be embarrassed about, more so when she was female and we were in an all-girls school.....

The past few days, conversations with C have included bits and bobs about the changes that will happen to one's body during puberty, but it has yet to veer to the explicit details of making babies. I guess her curiosity has yet to peak since her current stand is that she doesn't want to get married (hahaha!), and in her mind, in order to have babies, she has to get married first :)

Oh well, I think it is (adjective) to ban Peter Mayle's book, but there are so many other books out there still, and one can also turn to certain appropriate sites in the Internet.

Lunch with mothers

Every now and then, I have lunch with one or two mothers whose children are Caitlin's peers at school. We see one another at school when we are there to pick up our kids and chat a bit while we wait. Recently, we came up with the idea of lunching together as and when we're able since we are around the school vicinity at about the same time. It is a good change from having to eat leftovers at home, eating in the car while waiting, or eating alone outside. And there are relatively nice and affordable 'makan' places in the school neighbourhood.

Connecting with other mothers is good when the mothers are of the same wavelength and have healthy conversations. We can share parenting ideas and tips and encourage one another along our rollercoaster journey as parents. It works when the mothers are open to one another's opinions, and have no-holds-barred discussions and banter. It is fun when we can just let loose and spill out whatever is on our minds and let the conversation jump randomly from one topic to another - about life in general, current news and happenings around us, children, parenting, food, cooking and 'women' stuff. We can learn from one another when we approach conversations positively and objectively.

It is not healthy when conversations are one-sided, with one more-talkative person dominating and steering the discussion. It is not healthy when the mothers start comparing notes about their kids with the intention to feel 'one up' and put others down. That is so 'kiasu'. It is also not healthy when mothers get together to gossip about other parents or children, or complain about the school and teachers unconstructively. I simply feel uncomfortable when around such mothers. I don't like it when mothers ask me questions about my kid, or what she's learning at school or outside, and then clam up after I share my info with them. It feels like they are 'processing' the info and forming judgmental opinions and keeping it to themselves. Yuks.

News article

I came across this in thestaronline's ParenThots section today. The link to the article is here. Or I've copied it below.

Excuse me, are you a Tiger Mum?
17 August 2011



TEENS & TWEENS


By CHARIS PATRICK


Amy Chua’s controversial memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother details her strict parenting style which includes no sleepovers, play dates or TV. In addition, the American author and Yale Law School professor talks about the virtues of drilled academic learning and intensive daily practice on the piano and violin. With a stroke of her razorsharp pen, the mother of two teenage girls has set most well-intentioned parents wondering: Is this the right parenting style? Does it really work?

Even though it feels like we respond to our teens on a case-by-case basis, our decisions have a lot to do with our parenting styles, which are shaped by the way in which we combine our warmth and affection for our teens with structure and discipline.

Years of research have categorised four different parenting styles, each of which contributes to various characteristics in teens. If you are not a self-confessed Tiger Mum, see if you can identify with any of the following styles:


Authoritarian parenting


In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to comply usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply: “Because I said so.” These parents have high demands, but are not responsive to their children.


According to US clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, these parents “are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation”.

Authoritarian parenting generally breeds obedient and proficient children. They, however, rank lower in happiness, social competence and selfesteem.

Authoritative parenting


Like their authoritarian counterparts, the authoritative parents establish rules and guidelines that they expect their children to follow. However, this style is much more democratic. These parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions.


When children fail to meet their expectations, they are more nurturing and forgiving, rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive.

Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, self-regulated and co-operative”. An authoritative parenting style tends to result in children who are happy, capable and successful, according to US psychologist Eleanor Maccoby.

Permissive parenting


Sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, they have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their progeny because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control.

According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are non-traditional and lenient, do not require mature behaviour, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation”.

Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a friend more than that of a parent. The children will probably rank low in happiness and self-regulation. And they are more likely to experience problems with authority and perform poorly in school.

Uninvolved parenting


This is characterised by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfil the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect their children’s needs.

Uninvolved parenting ranks lowest across all life domains. Their children may lack self-control and have low self-esteem, and are less competent than their peers.

How do you know your parenting style? It can be helpful to consider these questions:

- How clear are you about boundaries and the rules of the house?
- What do you do when the rules are broken?
- How comfortable are you in hearing your teen’s opinions and suggestions, and alternatives?
- How often do you find yourself explaining your reasoning?
- Do you know who your kids’ friends are? Their parents?
- How comfortable are you with compromise?
- Do you have to nag your teen to get things done?
- How often do you feel like your teen is taking advantage of your good nature?

If you are interested in finding out your parenting style, there are a number of websites that offer free quizzes. The best way to use this kind of information is not to criticise yourself, but identify your strengths and weaknesses. Having more knowledge on how you parent can help you to grow in the areas that you deem important.

Below are a few recommended sites for parenting quizzes:

www.parenting.com/Mom/signalPatterns.jsp

www.activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz

www.parentstoolshop.com/HTML/quiz.htm


parenting.quiz.kaboose.com/11-what-syour-parenting-style

While you discover which style you use, we will discuss the most suitable style and the role change necessary for parenting teens and tweens in a fortnight. Till then, happy parenting.

Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.

Putting it on paper

When C gets her hands on freebie spiral notebooks, empty school exercise books, or one of the few fancy cartoon-character pocket diaries in her collection, she will scribble, write or draw all sorts of things that come to her mind. Over the years, there's quite a pile of these half-used notebooks lying around.

She's written stories of her own in some of them. Some are short stories, some longer ones complete with prologue and chapters. She's designed 'game books' ala computer games, she's drawn pictures of her current craze whicb usually involve the books she's been reading. And then in some, she's jotted down her feelings, usually those of daydreams like a few years ago, her crush on a boy (not joking, and she was only 6 then!), or those of dissatisfaction and anger.

Her handwriting is not the nicest and if she were to participate in a 'best handwriting' contest, I can be certain that she'll not win. There are times when she's disinterested or impatient, especially when it comes to schoolwork, that her handwriting will be the most atrocious and sometimes totally illegible. She just doesn't care when it comes to being 'forced' to write things she doesn't like. But when it comes to writing on her own free will on a subject that she's interested in, like writing her own story, she can write pages and pages of words that are reasonably legible with proper punctuation even. She is one who does things only when she's interested and wants to, not because she has to, is forced to, or fears the consequences if she doesn't. I think there's pros and cons to such character....It's a challenge to draw the line and keep her in line where this is concerned.


And even in anger, she's able to write systematically. I came to this conclusion when I chanced upon a notebook she titled Who I Hate (original edition). I chuckled when I read it, and wondered what the 'original edition' meant. Inside, she wrote the date on the top right hand corner, and on the first line, the name of one of her teachers. Then on the next line was "Why: 4 reasons" and proceeded to list the four reasons in numbered format (talk about being systematic!). And those four reasons were actually valid, in my opinion. At the bottom of the page, she ended with "no one else" i.e. that's the only person she 'hated' at that time of writing. The rest of the notebook has been empty since that first jotting of 29 March.

While some parents might think I'm invading my child's privacy by reading her jottings, I feel that at this phase when she's still young (she's only turning nine later this year), it is still okay for me to find out things that she sometimes does not tell me verbally. Most of the time, she does express verbally her thoughts and feelings, especially when she feels strongly about something. It's important to know her 'inner workings' to better understand and deal with her. As she grows older, the privacy issue can come into the picture as respecting their privacy and giving them their own space will hopefully teach them to behave responsibly, knowing that we have entrusted them with the responsibility to know and do what's right.

Of course, verbal communication and sharing thoughts, feelings and problems every now and then is also important so that they know we're there for them when they need our support and understanding, and especially when it comes to the future turbulent teenage years.

Conscious parenting is certainly not a breeze!

School holidays - mine then and C's now

The school holidays are here again. This time it's for two weeks. The trend these days for upper middle class families with school-going kids are to go on overseas holidays. Some infants, toddlers and children are more well-travelled than me in fact. Every holiday, I'd hear a kid mentioning a holiday to some exotic destination. In school yearbooks, kids write about their Mediterranean cruise or holiday in Europe, no longer about 'A Visit to the Zoo'!

As for ACE, we are not as fortunate as some couples who can afford to take their kids travelling almost every single holiday, even with that popular tagline of  'Now Everyone Can Fly'. The cost of living is high in the city, the cost of raising a family is high too, especially for a single- and average-income family. We try to have one holiday a year, and usually we seldom plan ahead due to E's work schedule and our limited budget.

In the past, my generation of kids were just happy with the simple idea of not having to go to school during the holidays. We were satisfied with entertaining ourselves in various ways at home - playing games, reading, watching the limited children's programes on just two TV channels, playing outside with neighbours and schoolmates who lived nearby. No Astro, Gameboy, Playstation, Nintendo, shopping malls, nice movie theatres with popcorn and other 'canggih' (sophisticated) activities. We knew how to entertain ourselves with the limited stuff around us. As for C, she'd start complaining of boredom and pester me once she's tired of what's readily available.

Those days, if we were lucky enough and our parents could afford it, a holiday meant an outstation trip to a neighbouring state within the country, an outing to a tourist attraction like Batu Caves or a day trip to a nearby beach. Overseas holidays were unheard of, for me at least. It was an activity that was as distant as a dream that I only read about, and saw on TV of celebrities and the rich and famous. The only 'overseas' country I had visited in my childhood was Singapore and that was because we had relatives there. And my first real holiday overseas was to Thailand after I had started working and earning my own money.

I recall the many carefree school holidays I spent in rubber and palm oil plantations where my dad worked, satisfied with cycling around, playing with the dogs, checking out the flora and fauna outside, collecting rubber seeds or the red saga seeds which fell out of their pods from the giant tree in the vast green garden, reading the tons of books I borrowed from friends, and savouring the tasty fried chicken, roti canai, curry and Chinese food my mum taught Saroja, our young Indian girl helper (whom I enjoyed chatting with) to cook. No KFC, Pizza Hut (pizza? what's that?) or McDonald's.

Saga seeds from the Adenanthera pavonina tree

It's a huge difference comparing C's school holidays and mine. She's a city girl whose idea of comfort and fun include airconditioned restaurants, entertainment via electronic stuff, her own brand new story books bought from mega bookstores, and walking about in brightly-lit, loud-music-blaring malls. I was a small town girl, undemanding and happy with what was made available to me, or what I could find to occupy myself with. A short outing to what was called an 'emporium' those days was already adequate.

What about your holidays during your schooldays? How different were they from the ones your children have now?

Parenting and school exams

It is the season for school mid-year exams here in Malaysia. Some schools have started their exams one to two weeks ago especially Chinese schools that have more papers to cover, while others will probably hold theirs next or the following week, which is the week before school is out for a two-week break. C's school is having their exam next week from Monday to Friday, with Tuesday a public holiday.

As usual, C is not afraid of exams and does not like to do any revision. We've tried many ways to get her to at least prepare a little but no way, Miss "What, Me Worry?" will leave it to the very last minute before she starts taking out her books. She's only four days away from Monday's exam but is still more interested in reading her storybooks or doing other fun stuff. As I'm typing here right now, she is creating a comic of her own, drawing the pictures in boxes and writing in speech balloons.... Her definition of 'last minute' is very precise i.e. study only the night before or morning of the day of the exam, if she studies at all.....sigh.....It sure sounds like mummy is the one getting exam fever.

As the Cantonese say, "mo ngan thai" or "no eyes to see" if translated literally. That's what comes to mind when I feel my blood pressure rising, my chest tightening with a dull ache, followed by strains of "Que Sera Sera" playing in my head.....

And people tell me I have it so easy because I have only one child. They fail to realise that parenting only one child may be much more difficult than parenting multiple children.

The ant and the grasshopper

I retold the story of the ant and the grasshopper to u-know-who.

Me: So what's the moral of the story?

C: You have to work hard or face the consequences.

Me: Do you want to be the ant or the grasshopper?

C: The grasshopper.

Me: Why?

C: Because I'm lazy.

Me: Why not the ant?

C: Because have to work hard.

Me: Then how when winter comes?

C: I'll go live with the ants.

Excuse me now, I have to take a deep, deep breath and say a prayer.

A new one

Someone fell asleep from exhaustion after sports day rehearsal at school and had to skip a tuition class. Later I asked, "What excuse are you going to give teacher if she asks why you were absent?"

Very quickly,the face lit up and with forefinger pointing up came the reply, "I had hysteria!"

Now, that's a new one for me. And I'm sure you can guess which letter in the acronym ACE that 'someone' is...and yes, she knows what hysteria is. I didn't know she did so I asked her immediately just to be sure she really knew what she was talking about!

Bieber bleah!

This worldwide frenzy about Justin Bieber has reached my doorstep! While popular mass media coin it as 'Bieber fever', I feel a bit hot in a different way about this teenager that's got all our young ones bopping to his tunes. It goes without saying that his genre, if it can be considered one (how do I classify his songs? Rap? He says here that it's not a specific type of music, 'just good music'... *eyes rolling*) is meant for generation Z, not the old soul in me who prefers pre-80's music. But still, what are his songs promoting or teaching kids of this generation? Look at what's portrayed in this video and its lyrics for instance.



Eenie meenie miney mo
Catch a bad chick by her toe
If she holla (if, if, if she holla) let her go

Shes indecisive
She cant decide
She keeps on lookin
From left to right

Girl, cmon get closer
Look in my eyes
Searchin is so wrong
I'm Mr. Right

You seem like the type
To love em and leave em
And disappear right after this song.
So give me the night
To show you, hold you
Dont leave me out here dancin alone

You cant make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind
Please dont waste my time, time, time, time, time
Im not tryin to rewind, wind, wind, wind, wind
I wish our hearts could come together as one

Cause shorty is a eenie meenie miney mo lova
Shorty is a eenie meenie miney mo lova
Shorty is a eenie meenie miney mo lova
Shorty is a eenie meenie miney mo lova

Let me show you what your missin
Paradise
With me you're winning girl
You dont have to roll the dice.....

C enjoys his tunes and the rhythm but I doubt she gives much thought to the actual meaning of what she's singing along to. But with repeated viewing of such videos and repeated singing of such lyrics, what's the subliminal effect?

She discusses with her classmates about this babyfaced-perfectly-coiffed-hair boy every now and then, and they probably get their latest info from one of the girls' older sister who together with her own classmates are also very likely suffering from the fever.... talk about viral marketing!

While we can't entirely prevent (and we're not being realistic if we do) our kids from enjoying the likes of Bieber or other negative influences, we need to prepare and strengthen them to have the right view and values relating to the opposite sex, boy-girl relationships, proper dressing and behaviour, etc.

So the fever rages on and C has asked her daddy to compile a CD of Bieber's songs (together with another new collection of Christian songs, mind you, haha!) for her to listen to in the car. Meanwhile, daddy (are you reading this, daddy?) and me have to look out for teachable moments to remind her about what's right and wrong....

Parenting, parenting, parenting - the joys and sorrows of it all.

Can't wait to leave school

C: Mummy, when will I stop schooling?
Me: When you're 23.
C: That's 14 years more! Oh my goodness! That's longer than getting my driving licence!

It's funny how all of us want to grow up quickly when we're young. We don't like school because we have to study and do lots of work. We'd wish we're adults and have our freedom to 'do anything we like'. But when we have grown up, many of us wish we were kids again!

Mothers and meals at school

This post is actually a backdated one.

Where meals are concerned, Caitlin has breakfast at/from home (she eats some at home and finishes the rest in the car on the way to school), then morning break and lunch at school.

Over the past two years, she has eaten the school's canteen food all the time for lunch, while for morning break, she has alternated between bringing food from home and eating the school canteen's. To eat the canteen's food, payment has to be made before each school term starts i.e. you're committed for the entire term, as they (especially the younger ones) are discouraged from bringing cash to school.

During the last school holidays, C said she is tired of the school's lunch while she is OK with (sometimes likes)the morning break food. The morning break menu is more varied alternating between soupy noodles, fried noodles, hot dog, french toast, chee cheong fun or porridge while lunch is usually the staple Chinese mixed rice (rice with a variety of different dishes of fish, meat, vege and soup)or sometimes chicken rice. Only on Fridays they will get fried rice with nuggets/fried chicken/sausages or pasta.

So for this current term, we're trying out bringing lunch from home while she sticks to canteen food for morning break. It was no problem making morning break food for her those times when she chose not to eat canteen food since it's just a snack. I used to give her a sandwich, some cereal, or biscuits and fruit. But now that she is to bring lunch to school, I have to get up earlier in the morning to prepare her lunch. Some parents give their kids food like hot dogs, burgers or sandwiches everyday for lunch i.e. dry, easier-to-prepare, not-much-cooking involved kind of food. But I think that's not too healthy (too much processed food is not good) and soon the kid will be tired of those kind of food too.

So far I've survived packing her food that I 'assemble' or cook in the morning, mostly one-pot dishes like fried rice, noodles, pie, sandwich and pasta while on certain days (when I can't get up early!), I go to school at lunch time to deliver her homecooked rice, meat and veges or soupy noodles.

I see a few mothers who have for a few years now, go to school everyday at lunchtime (!) to give their kids lunch. Sometimes they buy food from the canteen (this allows them to choose the type and quantity of each dish compared to what is dished out by the canteen staff in each plate for the kid), sometimes they bring food from home or the famous Happy Meal from that fast food chain. They then sit with their kid(s) and eat till lunch break is over. I, however, just give her the food and leave. She doesn't want me to sit down with her and her friends, and I also don't want to hang around! After the kids return to class, the other mothers stay on in the canteen and 'network' till school dismisses two hours later.

Such kids, C included, I can say, are fortunate enough to have stay-home mothers who are able to prepare and bring them lunch. Others just have to eat cold lunch prepared in the mornings by their working mums or put up with boring canteen food year in year out. Some working mums also cook lunch in the early morning and pack them in heat-insulated food jars but I see very few of that in C's school.

The only inconvenience is that the kid has to lug a food flask (usually rather bulky)besides his heavy schoolbag, and have good manual dexterity in opening and closing the various smaller containers within the jar to unearth his/her lunch without spilling any of it. One mother told me she made her kid practise at home opening, closing and re-assembling everything for the food flask before she let her take it to school!