It appears that the frequency of my posts is much less nowadays compared to a few years back when the enthusiasm to blog was still burning. Those days, I could just write a few within a day. Whatever musings and happenings would just be recorded here for remembrance or simply for the sake of ranting.
Seasons change. So do people and routines. But part of the reason why I 'talk' less here is because of Facebook. I 'talk' there more these days. I find it easier because the people there appear more 'present' than here. And it's much faster to post one liners of thoughts, rants and info, share pictures and videos through Facebook. It's much more 'instant'. It's more accessible as I can use my Android phone for it. I could use my phone to blog too but it's such a pain to be typing with one fingertip on the phone screen. And I keep pressing the wrong letters and many words end up being misspelled. That's one of my pet grouses of a touch-screen phone. With a computer keyboard, I can type much faster using 10 fingers, thanks to old-fashioned typewriting lessons I took during my free time after the Form 3 exams which was then known as SRP....
I've been feeling lethargic lately. Unmotivated. Unenthusiastic. Lazy. Tired. Sluggish. No mood, as they say. It's more of a mental state than a physical condition -- my personal diagnosis. But daily stuff still need to be done. And they have been done albeit without enthusiasm, barely meeting my personal standards of quality :)
C appears to have morphed from cheery and manageable pre-schooler to a sometimes sullen, grumpy, impatient and strong-minded rebel tween overnight. To say the least, it's been mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. I wonder how mothers with more than one such child cope and get through their days happy and not depressed. They must be yogis with nary a drop of impatience traversing within their veins if they manage to maintain a smile and go about mopping their floor singing 'Oh what a beautiful morning...' However, in my opinion, there's no such thing about 'supermom' being able to save the day. In actual fact, whoever coined that term 'supermom' probably didn't think it through enough. Something has got to give. As capable as one can be, one cannot cover all bases perfectly. Mothers can do incredible feats and juggle enormous responsibilities but we're still human.
I whine, I complain, I rant and rave. Then I'm gentle, understanding and forgiving. I'm Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hyde at times or maybe, always. Aha! Maybe that's why I feel drained! Oops, this self-analysing is a strange thing to be doing here. I wonder if other overworked mothers behave strangely like me.
Beneath or beyond all these, I have drawn strength in the mire of lethargy from spiritual reflection, prayer and inspirational songs.It is that Special Spirit within me that guides me back to the straight path. It is the notion that all things will fall into place regardless of how much or how little I possess, how much or how little I have achieved. I strive to view all that I possess and accomplish, tangible and intangible, as temporary. "Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He
takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand."
This brings to mind the 'kiasu' concept. Why should we want to be 'one up'? Where's our self-confidence? That's something C's disposition reminds me occasionally. She chugs along life not worried about who's better than her at school or in anything else she does, and not caught up with wanting to be better than the best. Some call it nonchalance, lacking competitive spirit, lacking desire to achieve. I think it's still too early to stick any labels on her where that's concerned, although I myself have often pasted some other labels out of frustration.
I think it's good to have, within certain limits, that Mad magazine guy's "what, me worry?" stance at times. Life is more peaceful and calm that way. It's crazy to measure everyone, especially our kids, with the same yardstick. I say po-tay-to, you say po-tah-to, so be it.
I view this lethargy or maybe, depressive vegetative state as helping me, the perfectionist, to slow down and not be in a hurry to get things done efficiently all the time, to not be so selfless but a little selfish at times, to quit worrying about cooking a healthy dinner and get lost in a different world browsing at a bookstore! That's what I did today, and left the shop almost RM200 poorer, oops......(But yet again, I veered towards selflessness, buying only one book for myself, and the other eight or more, for loved ones....)